How to Piss Off Your Cat

Spoiler alert: it’s super easy.


PSA: Hi there, we’re Astrid & Chumbo, your friendly neighborhood cats. We have a human. She is constantly trying to satisfy the minimum demands of our existence and frequently fails. Here is an itemized list of her shortcomings so you can avoid them with your resident felines.

  1. Feeding us anything but a fresh can of tuna. Dry food is not. good. enough.
  2. Trying to brush us. We want to groom ourselves.
  3. Not trying to brush us. Now we’ve got hairballs. Thanks a lot.
  4. Allowing our food bowls to fall below 67% full. Do you want us to starve??
  5. Looking at us in a funny way. Only we’re allowed to do that to you.
  6. Going to work. What are we going to do all day now? Nap?
  7. Actually, that sounds pretty good, we’ll scratch that one off the list.
  8. Trying to read a book whilst in our presence. Prepare for us to physically come between you and the book.
  9. Trying to work on a laptop whilst in our presence. Prepare for us to dynamically sprawl across the offending item.
  10. Trying to eat whilst in our presence. Involve us at once or we will eat your food.
  11. Using the bathroom with the door closed. It’s rude, frankly, to exclude us from any activity in your life.
  12. Hugging your partner. No can do buckaroo, only we’re allowed attention and affection. Get ready for us to twine around your legs.
  13. Being offended when we bring you gifts. How hard is it to appreciate us?

In conclusion, we think it’s pretty simple to keep us happy and we can’t think why our own human keeps falling short. Here’s to hoping there’s improvement soon, or we might have to take drastic measures. Like an extra long nap, or something.


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