Why I’m Not Like Other Girls

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Hey there, handsome fella at the bar next to me. Yes, this is a beer I’m drinking. I love beer, not because I think it makes me cool, but because of the taste. Let me just take off this leather jacket and get more comfortable in these jeans I’m wearing…

What’s that? Would I like to hear you lecture me for three hours about the microbrewery culture in San Fransisco? I sure would, because even though I love beer, I don’t know anything about it and love to be educated.

Does that surprise you? Oh, I know why. You’re used to other girls. Girls who drink fruity, floral pink drinks through a cocktail straw. Girls who will talk at you for three hours about something you don’t care about. But guess what?

I’m not like other girls. I’m a cool girl. Want proof?

I don’t wear makeup. I’m just naturally pretty, but I didn’t *try* to look like this. I don’t actually care about how I look. These eyelashes? Totally natural. My armpits are hairless, by birth.

I never set foot in a Starbucks establishment or an Uggs boot; too basic for me. I think Valentine’s Day is boring, along with any real “romantic” holidays.

I’m not a feminist. I’ll actually laugh along at misogynist comments, because I can take a joke, and I’m incredibly laid back.

Yeah, I’m down for casual sex. Relationship? No thanks. I don’t catch feels.

I love Led Zeppelin. Taylor Swift who? I was born in the wrong generation for music, it’s so pop nowadays with no real meaning or substance. ACDC all the way.

I don’t like to watch typical “girl” shows: I like sports, like a cool girl. I also play video games. Catch me on Call of Duty — but you can still be better than me.

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I like to eat whole entire pizzas at a time while we play video games. But I’m really thin. I guess I just have a fast metabolism — I don’t care about my figure, so I don’t exercise, unlike most girls.

In fact, I exclusively drink beer and eat greasy junk food — I’ve never had a bottle of water in my life — but my skin is clear and my breath smells like your favorite IPA.

I’m never insecure because I’m always confident that I look hot and f*ckable. But I also don’t care about how I look, see point above. I don’t take selfies, either, but I always know how to look good in candids.

Favorite color? I don’t think about that kind of thing, but definitely not pink. Probably blue or green. I’m cool. Sometimes I’ll put on a dress, but only so you can say, “Wow, you’re a girl!” in tones of total surprise.

Other girls like to talk about feelings with you. Me? I’m happy if you talk to me whenever you feel like it. I’m a commitment-phobe, so I’m not dying to get into a relationship, but I also am only attracted to you, so it’s not a big deal.

Boys’ nights? I get it. I don’t ever have girls’ nights, because I’m not like other girls, but I’ll be happy to provide beer, snacks, and let you use my Sky Sports login for your boys.

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Actually, I don’t really like other girls — they don’t get me, they’re not like me, and they act so melodramatic. They’re always worrying about their appearance and their weight. Talking about makeup. Me, I just look amazing but without stressing about it.

I know other girls get embarrassed talking about raunchy topics, but I love having a laugh about farts and sex positions. When I get hit on by my superiors, I know it’s harmless banter, so I don’t take it seriously. Report it? No way — I wouldn’t want to harm an influential man’s career over a simple joke.

In fact, I’m happy to join in to objectify and discuss the attractiveness of other girls. That girl that just walked by? Solid 7 out of 10. I’d tap that. That other one? Only a three, poor thing. She’s desperate.

Hobbies? Other than sports, beer, video games, and not being annoyed when you don’t text back, I can burp the alphabet. Watch me knock back a Bud and give it a go. I’m also a novice mechanic.

Yeah, I can pay for this all myself. My job is pretty nondescript — I never bring home work drama, and never earn more than you, so you can relax around me.

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Totally, it’s fine that girls get called girls while guys are called guys. I’m not going to kick up a fuss about girls being infantilizing and condescending. It’s just a figure of speech, for Chrissake.

I don’t need labels, I don’t need hand-holding, I’m never offended and I stay up late for your ‘u up’ texts. I offer my sympathy without expecting any empathy from you, and if you forget to text back, well, I let it go.

I’m the exception. I’m cool. I’m not like other girls.

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MSc by Research. Psychology nerd. She/her. zuliewrites.com

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